Probability of Being

I want to be smaller like a dust particle which moves with the wind. It goes everywhere. Can go, sit on the head of a king, or can go and fall at the feet of someone. And it can go and sit on a little flower, and it can go and sit everywhere. But I want to be a particle of dust. That is fragrant, that is nourishing, that is enlightening. - Nirmala Salve, aged 7

To experience the season that is passing through…is the only choice a tree has. For it's not the tree but the principles laid by mother (nature) that decide what the skies, the wind, the land will offer to its existence. While the tree engages in the dialogue with the passing season, and the transformation that takes place, happens as a response to the process it is going through. The clouds that cross the forest rain, the wind blows- as a breeze or as thunder, the cold, the sunshine…all part of the process. The process one’s existence is bound to follow as soon as the life in matter begins. For it's not the being in the matter (the tree) that decides what season it will experience…and how they transform it?  But it is for the cosmos to decide…(as if one life in matter matters that much?)  

T he surreal feel of Corona times- the social isolation and getting used to the new ‘normal'. Still holding strong to what I call- my own sense of wonderment (not forgetting to enjoy the existence), while struggling with various shades passing through the landscape and mindscape within the space of my physical existence (body). Thankfully Bhagwad Geeta holding my hand and through this ancient text, from time to time I get insights that remind me to surrender to the flow of life and not losing faith. One such insight while I was scrolling some terms was the word- ‘ Samya ’ which means the state of containment. All that I think of creating, all that I think of manifesting holds a space in my heart. and all this, while it remains unmanifested, is contained inside. While I wait for all of it to come into manifestation. And what makes me believe in the manifestation of my vision is, I being an artist who is not inspired by imaginary things but real life. The matter and the soul of mat...

My research about exploring the idea of ‘self’ has given me some new insights; the reading on Gyaneshwari (Bhagwad Geeta) explores the idea from the spiritual perspective and that means we have to go into abstraction—from form to formless. The readings and the experiences of the journey are much liberating and sometimes overwhelming. "Out beyond the ideas of right-doings and wrong-doings, there’s a field…" How about in our existence, we stop labeling our experiences? How about no good or bad experiences? How about everything is happening around and is just happening… How about not labeling our emotions? How about not labeling people? How about we go beyond the ideas of anger, happiness, love, hatred, jealousy, and so on by ‘not labeling them’. Just experiencing and letting go—let us pretend, we have overgrown the practice of labeling…or let's pretend we have forgotten the words that label everything and everyone around. Experiencing an emotion and letting go… Se...

  Here’s some reflections I feel the need to share in this space while I spend my time in isolation as I display signs of Covid-19. As the wave has hit humanity, I am no other species…and my sense of dharma (we can always call it common sense) tells me to practice the basic rule of existence—to protect myself and to protect others. Covid-19 in a way is testing if we are fit for the next stage of evolution—and this time it is collective. Our sense of belonging, our sense of collective is tested (other than protecting our own self, it’s our dharma to protect others as well). As the microcosm becomes more aware of its existence as a part of a larger molecule—the collective takes over. The awareness invites one to practice their sense of belonging—that is to become one single race. The pandemic makes us global, it doesn't discriminate between countries, color, gender, etc... Pandemic in a way unites us all as one human race. And in terms of awareness, it brings us closer to our own s...

After my first solo show in 2011 it happened that soon I became the mother of a child the very next year. An otherwise very neat and clean space—my home became as chaotic as possible and all of us who have experienced or are experiencing parenthood will agree to this. This sudden change of surroundings was quiet an annoying experience for me as I have been overly sensitive to the cleanliness of my environment. The joy of upbringing a child however superseded all the other things in life and being at home as a full-time mother with occasional art that I was doing that time was how life was going on in those days. I remember reacting to the chaos many times…still I don’t remember when, but I eventually started enjoying the chaos and the scribbles my toddler started making on the walls. Being the child of an artist mother, she had all the privilege to draw on the walls and no one had ever stopped her. The reason why I am telling this story is, the eventual acceptance of the chaotic surr...

 Time and again to ponder over such questions- why am I doing this? What is the purpose of the art I am making? ...useless again to visit this query prompted by my fickle mind. Many times, one might wonder- do I really need to do this? I mean- who really cares?? But the point is, that is not for me to decide. For this is what comes out from my soul and there is not much I can do about it. So, probably just like a sparrow sings a song not because she wants to sing …it is because she was born with this song written in her heart…and this is what will always come out from her. If I try to claim the position of an artist- a silent voice inside me calls out- “…?” Thus, my soul speaks to me and says, I am not the artist- for the art resides somewhere else. And the song is also written much before I sang it. But to empty my self from the superficial notions and to become like a clear glass so that the light/song can pass through my being is the only purpose in order to carry the priv...

  If the artist cannot connect to space they are working on, the space does not respond…time and again I keep struggling for that connection that starts the equation/dialogue. For many times I wait – wait for a long time ...and sometimes something inspires me to take a leap of faith and dive into the space- making random strokes and allow myself to be impulsive. The unknown acts in more mysterious ways that one can think of…or in better words… its beyond the understanding of the limited human perception of our minds. I always consider the unknown as my teacher. And the equation many times or most of the times requires getting into the state of surrender and practice faith. While I was in a 10 days residency with Art for change organization- the place where all the artists were lodged, I saw this line from the Bible written on a crimson lake colored wall -- “ we walk by faith and not by sight ”— and this, so far explains most of the equation and the journey in a way best possible....

Part of my work in progress Just as nature follows a pattern and also unfollows. As if the pattern is a routine and randomness and spontaneity is what makes it all alive. Just like life is an assemblage of many things done and undone…and many things are undone after done. The same way a painting is a journey of doing and undoing…learning and unlearning. Just like many visuals that cross our eyes and while some get registered in the memory whereas some cross unregistered. Like many memories we lived…we remember some in clarity, but some just leave a faint stain. Well, that is what is the amalgamation of experiences of the state of being alive and being aware of existence. The patches of lines in order on my canvas forming a clear pattern maybe shows my syncing with the energies of nature when it follows a pattern and a series of broken lines are maybe the manifestation of the dynamics that goes on while life and order are being created every day. Just like through connection with the ...

(A part of my work in progress) The simplicity of mere existence, a simple presence of a line in a space, a random stroke of color… As random as the flow of water, every free- floating atom in the air, the presence of every particle of dust…all of it combines to present a larger-than-life persona of the earth.   And how does it matter if a particle exists or not in the larger picture? but I think every particle is given a chance to carry certain energies and be a part of the greater flow…just to be a part of the flow and enjoy mere existence. As per the human mind, it is conditioned to find ‘meaning’ in everything in order to feed the mind that does not really exist but is a made-up thing that gives a certain satisfaction to a man’s ego who needs some intellectual stimulation in order to feel superficially empowered and in control of everything that goes around. The only point I am trying to make is, what if instead of judging or ‘figuring out’ one may try to assume the position...

Born in India, my roots were fed with innocent seeds of beliefs and spirituality like most of the children of this subcontinent. And it doesn’t really matter what religion your family is following…the roots and the nourishment remains the same for most of the Indian kids. My elders used to tell me about the auspiciousness of the early hours of the morning..like how if you get up early morning, your senses would be sharp…how the dawn is the most powerful hour when the whole divinity is awakened and is ready to bless anyone who is seeking their blessings. As my fingers started holding a pencil and as I started making some kind of drawings, one such day, inspired by what elders were teaching me, I just got up before the sunrise…took a blank sheet and a pencil and sat outside in the balcony where a rose plant was planted in a broken tin container. There was also a delicate kind of creeper of a mauve- indigo flower (butterfly pea flower or Aparajita in Hindi) …again my first memories of ...

“Probably we are pilgrims, moving silently in our sleep…as sleepwalkers- for we are scared and maybe embarrassed by our own awakening….”   A bird sings a song because she has a song written in her heart- does she sings it to please the world? Or she sings not knowing why she is singing? Some of us might walk silently like pilgrims walking in their sleep and some of us might find a song in their heart which they will sing whether they are sleep-walking or are awakened… for it’s the song that needs to be sung, and it’s the walk that needs to be walked. And this may be the purpose of every soul who is seeking the source of words that composes the song. Every act in our existence is a manifestation of our seeking…and not knowing about it is the state of sleep many of us enjoy till the moment of awakening. And after that starts the journey to the unknown. coming back after a brief period of what they call it- a writer’s block the above writeup many might find as a heavy dose of philo...

Facing a blank canvas is like facing an unknown region of yourself and accepting this space to work upon is like accepting dialogue with the unknown. In a random discussion on Indian mythology, I once heard this theory about the difference between Shri Vishnu( the preserver) and Shri Shiva (the destroyer) that in Hindu rituals, when they worship Shri Vishnu, he is always offered processed things like, curd, ghee, butter, etc. and that represents the processing of an individual. Like the one who worships Shri Vishnu must grow up in a way to follow the dharma of the society, should follow all the dharma associated with being a householder, a father, a son, a friend etc. To become a householder or to carry on with the dharma of a social being since, Shri Vishnu is a preserver- a preserver of the society as well. On the other hand, Shri Shiva (the supreme god -the god of destruction and the spirit within us) would accept everything unprocessed. That is raw milk, wildflowers/fruits which no...

Most of the time artists are the first ones to fall in love with their artwork and once it is finished, they even want to possess it secretly. As hard it is to separate from the work, at the same time overwhelming and soul-satisfying- if someone else has understood the music they were creating through their art and want to own it without any negotiations or conditions. However, some works go beyond these criteria of buying and selling or possessing. I do not say such works need to be masterpieces or be outstanding, but still, this is how art wishes to be manifested- unconditionally. As I got up early last morning in Badanga, I woke others up who wished to join me for my last visit to the mountain, and they took no time to get up. Anant was usually sitting at the fire every day in the morning, seeing we are off to some kind of expedition, he offered us some chai and joined us. Anant was another artist in the residency- a printmaker with a thorough knowledge of his art. As the group walk...

As the project comes to its closure and so was my stay at Badanga. Apart from the last minute anxiety of giving the finishing touch to the project, I was satisfied to have made most out of my stay at the place…bonded not just with the kids but also with the school teachers, few villagers and of course most of the artists. I learned a lot from the children of Badanga more than I could absorb at that moment, but I surely needed all those lessons for the next phase of my life i.e. the phase of isolation and lockdown due to the outbreak of COVID- 19. Our videographer had already left two days ago leaving me worried about the final image of my finished work. Anyways I had no control over those things, so I continued with what needed to be done. Prepared a title page (the night before) around full empirical- size sheet to paste on an old tin board, that I noticed was perfectly placed in the valley from where the mountain needed to be viewed. Early next morning just a few hours before the...

          Celebrations in school                                                                              Children too excited with Jasmin* Children of Badanga were too excited about us outsiders coming to their village and doing different art projects, as most of the projects involved working with these children. After school they would visit the residency place where some of the artists are working, then they will run to another project site. In a way there was never a defined set of children working in a particular project. As far as my project was concerned, as I said I managed to get some kids (like, 10+ years old) at the beginning followed by just a couple of kids working with me for a couple of days. These two were my constant companions in the execution of th...

Living in minimal resources with not a single tea shop in the village- completely relying on the arrangements at the residency for three meals of the day (with a no time schedule approach) and chai, and that means we had to manage our work time accordingly. However, we knew the organizers in this remote setting were trying to do their best and this kind of experience in a way made us more adaptable and accepting of the onsite/workplace challenges. In a way this following ‘no schedule’ thing was working well for all of us artists and one happy thing for us (for which I am personally very thankful to the organizers) was- the whole of the village was open for us to execute our projects. One big regret I had at that time was not bringing my HD camera to document my project as it was quite a challenge for our official videographer, Alok to document works of around 20 something artists. One early morning, as I came out of my cottage, I saw Zaynab and Sanjid sitting near the bonfire. Some...

                         working on the mountain                                             Linh on the day of the exhibition                 Spending time on the mountain for my project...the mountain in return did give me some moments of strangeness and amusement. One of the days as I was packing my bag to go to the mountain, my roommate, Linh just came in and gave me a corn chapati prepared by her wrapped in a newspaper. This gesture surprised me in a much pleasant manner and I immediately took the bread from her and packed it in my bag (she knew I was packing ...

What was that day in the village, I do not remember but by this time I was quite sure of my routine. I would get up early in the morning around 4-5 am to meditate for an hour. The whole atmosphere of the village had a different energy than that of the city. Everyone including children would get up early in the morning around 4 am, the kids would take their cows and goats around in the hills for grazing. They would come back, help their mothers in preparing food, would clean the house i.e. one room earthen cottage and also do the dishes. I felt connected with the energies so much so that I would always get up in the morning no matter what time I slept in the night. A distant sound of an old village woman singing in a nearby farm every day at the dawn was simply enchanting and added to the meditative mood in the morning. The energies of the place were seemingly affecting me and moreover, I was realizing how so comfortable I am mentally and physically in minimal available resources…like I...

Initial days on the mountain as I started working were difficult. First, the mountain was steep and slate stone rocks were slippery. However, embedded in an acute angle, that still allowed some kind of grip that one gets used to as one gets into the habit of climbing the mountain. There was no drinking water (except some  collected rainwater in a small pit nearby) or source of food around so one should be prepared for the day. The clear skies were beautiful, but the sun was hitting hard- and the semi-reflective surface of the rocks was adding to the heat and the glare. With no trees around it was quite a challenge to find a shady spot to rest for a few minutes. The experience of the first day was enough to prepare me for the rest of the days. I knew the mountain better and while I kept on cursing myself to fancy such a task, at the same time I was quite joyful in a way and was willing to go with this flow. As I came back from the first day’s work, and narrated my experie...